Ever since I was about 14, I was dead sure of not going on a mission. I always just thought I wouldn't be strong or dedicated enough. That it would be too intense for me. That was always my frame of mind. I had great friends in high school, most all of them were going on missions. We all graduated and they all started to leave. I slowly felt almost jealous of all of them, I wanted to be apart of this huge crowd of teenagers leaving on missions but I stuck with me previous decision.
About a month after graduation I started my collage applications, but, I had a very uncomfortable feeling that this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. I told my mom and she told me get out my patriarchal blessing. Right as she said that I knew I needed to serve a mission. I knew exactly which paragraph told me about serving a mission. I panicked and went to my best friend's house where he counseled me and told me I was making the right decision. I felt better and I started my papers that next week. I received my call on September 9th, 2015 to the Ohio Cleveland Mission. It all felt so surreal. But I was so excited! I left for the MTC on Nov. 18th. I loved the MTC but I was already having problems with my companion. I grew to love her but I still had problems. I thought it was stupid I was already having problems but I considered it normal.
I arrived in Ohio on Dec. 8th. I tried hard to serve my best, but my early fears became a reality. I regularly felt inadiquite to lead a lesson and felt like I was doing terrible, like I wasn't strong enough to do this. Suddenly I was over flooded with anxiety every other day. I would have attacks where I got light headed, my heart rate would go out of control and I would start shaking. I came to the point where I had a interview with my mission president where I told him everything. He was very concerned and told me if things got worse to call him and we would fix this.
It did get worse. I was in a district meeting where I couldn't handle it anymore. I walked out and broke down in the chapel for a hour. I called president and a counselor. I left for home the next Wednesday, March 3ed. I served 3 months. I felt and sometimes still feel like a failure. But Heavenly Father reminds me every time that I served diligently. I baptized 3 people in my last 2 months and had 3 more planned baptisms the next month.
I know I went out to serve a certain few people and to find out who I really am. I discovered I have social anxiety and that I'm actually an introvert when all my life I thought I was a extrovert. Now I'm going to counseling and still deciding if I can/will go back to Ohio. I don't know and it's been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I always remember though that Heavenly Father loves me and knows I've served what I can for now. He's caring, He'll never leave you alone. My piece of advice is to never forget he loves you.