The first day was a blur of excitement and new people. I hit it off with my companion and I loved her instantly. The next couple of days though I could not shake this fear I had in my mind. I did not know what I was afraid of, but I was in a constant state of hysteria and shaking. I couldn’t stop crying or calm my racing heart. I saw my MTC president, and he had me call home and talk to my dad. I felt embarrassed calling him. I felt like I was a failure for having to call home. All I knew was that I missed my family.
My body felt like it was in danger so it stopped functioning right. In the MTC I had a constant headache from all of the crying, my stomach felt nauseous so I didn’t eat at meals, and my heart never stopped racing so I did not sleep more than 3 hours each night. With all of this going on how was I supposed to focus on being a missionary? I had to do the Lord’s work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about myself.
I had been constantly pleading with the Lord to help me, but I felt like I wasn’t receiving any relief. As a district we would read the Book of Mormon. When I read that Lehi poured his heart out to the Lord I decided to try it for myself. I poured my heart out to the Lord and told him everything I was feeling. Once done, I felt prompted to ask, “Would it be alright if I went home?” I have never before felt the spirit so strongly in my entire life. My whole body was filled with warmth and the worry lifted away. For the first time in my life I heard a voice in my head say, “Yes” and then I knew my answer. Soon after that I was on a plane coming home. Since being home I have tried to see a counselor, but I have a hard time rehashing those feelings and the experience. I also have felt lost, not knowing what is next for me. It has been a hard process, and at times I doubt my decision and blame myself. With time and the Lord’s constant love I know I made the right choice. I love my Savior, and I am grateful for my two week mission.
I was so excited to serve a mission! I had wanted to serve a mission for three years before I turned 19. As I watched all of the boys my age leave right after high school I got so jealous because all I wanted was to devote my time to serve the Lord anywhere in the world. Since I had a year to wait I went to school at NAU with my sister.
Finally, I got that beautiful white envelope in the mail, and I was called to serve in Boise, Idaho for 18 months! I was going to report June 1st so I still had 4 months until I left and schoolwork to do. As the date got closer and closer I found myself being less excited and more anxious about leaving for 18 months.
Once that day finally came I was strong and I only cried a little saying goodbye to my family, but I found a childhood friend who was leaving for the MTC on the same flight and we ended up sitting next to each other on the plane. Once we landed I met up with my brother who lives in Utah and we got lunch. Eventually it was time for me to enter the MTC.