It was really hard to come home early, especially when a mission was something I wanted so badly. But I have been given a calling, a job, and opportunities for service in my community. I can still make a difference, even without the nametag. Sure, I really miss my mission; and yes, I do have to battle a lot of regret from serving "only four months." And yes, my life is now really awkward because people ask me why I'm home. But after a month of being home, I have started to see why I really needed this opportunity for growth. I am still changing, still growing, and still converting to the gospel. I have developed a sincere appreciation for the Savior and His enabling Atonement.
A mission was all I dreamed about for my entire childhood. I had made up my mind when I was little that I would serve a mission, and a foot or two later, I was in the MTC. I really struggled in the MTC because I wasn't used to being away from my family. I was so relieved to enter the field in the Maryland Baltimore mission. I loved to work hard and be obedient because they distracted me from the stress and pressure I felt. I loved my first area and my first companion. I felt a lot of stress when my trainer was transfered and I had to take over the area. But my new companion and I got along.
Into my second transfer I started to really struggle with depressive thoughts and feelings. I constantly visited LDS family services, but my feelings only got worse and worse. Then I got transfered to a remote area with a companion that intimidated me and constantly rejected me. I would always have my depressing and anxious thoughts confirmed by what he did. One day, after a disagreement, my brain seemed to take over. I had panic attacks that would leave me passed out or sick. My throat was tattered from screaming for hours on end. This went on for days with no relief and I started to fight suicidal thoughts that were stronger than anything I had ever experienced. I eventually was sent home for my own safety.